Be a Master of Paradox

The term “master of paradox” in its basic form, means that a leader knows when to do what is necessary for the cause, purpose, or situation. The leader’s behavior contradicts itself, depending on the circumstances. To some, this exhibits the inability to make decisions. However, mastering paradox in leadership displays the leader’s willingness to be flexible. While consistency is important, at times it is necessary to change your course.


Abraham Lincoln was a classic example of a leader having mastered paradox. Lincoln was known for his consistent behavior throughout his presidency. Yet, Lincoln also had the ability to be flexible. As he put it, “I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause.” Lincoln never wavered from his core values. They were always the foundation for what he chose to do, or not to do.

Impression management is related to being a master of paradox based on public perception. Impression management theory describes leaders as actors who orchestrate their behavior to influence their audience. Leaders may use impression management in order to control the impression that others may have of their public behavior. Privately, leaders will express themselves differently. One must consider the end result of impression management to determine if it is being used for evil or for good.

Being a master of paradox is a reflection that humility and a personal commitment to a cause are more important for a good leader to do the right thing, rather than pushing their own agenda.

A leader is positioned to be more successful when they have the ethical capacity to respond proactively rather than reactively. The leader is able to control the outcome of events rather than being controlled by the events.

Another way to build ethical capacity through character development is to have the willingness to acknowledge our weaknesses. Usually, we shift blame to others and point out why “they” make “us” act a certain way. We fail to realize that life is about choices. And, blaming others is also a choice that we have made to deal with our own shortcomings.

Leaders must also learn how to choose their battles. It is not necessary to fight every battle; sometimes, we must save our energy for the war. Responding out of anger is not appropriate and does not serve the greater purpose. It is not that leaders do not become angry, but that leaders are less effective when they respond out of anger. Not having a safe place to express our anger can leave us susceptible to outside pressures and limit our capacity to deal with situations rationally.

It is important that leaders weigh their options and the consequences for choosing one behavior over another. Leaders must ask questions such as: What purpose does this serve? What will be the consequences of my actions? What is there to gain? What is there to loose? Asking these questions will eliminate the possibility of making rash decisions. Additionally, the realization that different situations require different approaches and solutions helps to increase our ethical capacity to always make the right decisions. And, ethical responsibility is ethical accountability. We will discuss this next week.

“The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not a bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly.” Jim Rohn

Empty Wagons Make the Most Noise, and the 6 o’clock News

I decided in junior high school that I wanted to become a journalist. I loved writing, and my father even encouraged my ambition with my first Brother typewriter. My, have things changed! When was the last time you saw a typewriter? Now, we have the PC, iPad, and a host of other technology gadgets I will not try to name! Unfortunately, technology is not the only thing that has changed.

Coupled with my passion for writing, I wanted to become a journalist because I believed that writing does not lead to boredom; there is always something fresh to write about. However, in the day of new media craze, one can hardly find “fresh” news, unless it is something scandalous. Sound bytes and headlines get the most attention, rather than the facts, especially when they are centered on disparaging someone’s character or inciting anger.

In its May 3, 2010 print issue, Time magazine has a poignant picture of a gun-toting man with his back to the camera. The background shows a small crowd gathered in Virginia to protest our federal government and gun control. The writer emphasizes that the media’s love affair with such episodes, while more important issues get less attention.

The evolution of the media into a magnet for hype has given fringe movements such as the Tea party and others space to vent pent up frustrations, while more interesting, educating and intellectually stimulating stories are largely ignored. Or at best, listed as a footnote. One can argue whether or not it is society’s penchant for “news”, or the influence of a 24/7 news cycle. But, we must not take the possible influence of these groups lightly. Is the issue a network or news publication’s need or high ratings the driving force, or is it the ability of these groups to organize and garner the attention? If it is the latter, we really need to examine our values and priorities. Civility is joining the dinosaur for extinction. I am afraid that once we completely loose this, we have lost what separates us from animals.

“When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness and decency.” Samuel Johnson

“So let us begin anew – remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness.” President John F. Kennedy

Broken Pieces

Often times, we are marred by broken promises, wasted time or even self-inflicted wounds. We then put together those broken pieces based on our fallible human ability. In our haste to repair ourselves, we build a wall without a lasting foundation. But, we feel protected. We give ourselves a false sense of security, and become protective of what we have built. We risk experiencing the pain all over again if the wall is torn down.

However, we dismiss the fact that something built on the wrong foundation is doomed anyway. We hide the hurt as a mother hen protects her baby chicks, providing a shield from danger. At the same time, we are reluctant to allow God to take over and tear down what we have built. We cannot allow Him to mold us differently. Actually, why does He need to? Aren’t we already healed? What is wrong with the way we have done things…for so long? Do we have to relive the pain and admit that we have been on the wrong track? Yes. If we are willing to trust God, He will show us a more excellent way. Our way only cripples.

Everyone will face the brokenness of life while on this earth. It is a package deal with life. However, it is how we deal with what is broken that makes the difference. Do we continue dysfunctional behavior, trying to ignore the broken pieces, or are we willing to move forward and learn the life lesson that is guaranteed to make us better, rather than bitter?

I choose better, knowing that things don’t just happen. The good and the bad have a place on my path to greatness.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” Helen Keller

Why Would I Get Married...to You?!

Last Friday, I shared my thoughts on love and marriage, particularly the guiding principles that would lead me to get married. As promised, today I would like to answer my second question: Why Would I Get Married…to You?! This question is birthed out of a three year relationship with a man 10 years my senior, and very set in his ways—just like me.

Over time, I have grown to love and appreciate him. In many ways, he has made me feel secure and protected. You know, the way a woman should feel with her man. He has been there for me during the highs and lows of the past three years. He supports my ambitions and life goals. However, this has not been a fairy tale romance; we have our disagreements, and have endured the ebb and flow that occurs in normal relationships. To his credit, he deserves an award for sticking with me. I know this might be hard to believe, but everyday with me is not a day at the beach! Yes, I have a few flaws that will challenge the sanity of any man…not to mention a retired military officer. He once described our “debates” as two people in a gun fight.

My personal growth during this relationship has solidified many internal convictions. I am 100% comfortable with the prospect of never marrying. I often ask, ‘where does this man fit into my life? What can I live with; what will I not live without?’ I believe that these questions are essential in order to determine my true reason for making a lifelong commitment to another human being. And, these are questions that two people need to explore together as well as separately. We have had this discussion on numerous occasions, and we both accept the fact that there are some things about one another that will never change.

We both agreed three years ago that we were not going to rush down the aisle. Yes, we wanted marriage, love, commitment and everything in between. Yes, we wanted to pursue a long-term relationship with each other. But no, we were not rushing into a regrettable mistake. We were both at a place in our personal lives where certain things needed to be accomplished before we took that leap. In the meantime, we could get to know each other and determine a path for our future together.

This man knows a lot about me. He is very observant, and reads my personality well. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly. He knows that I stand firmly on my values and convictions because those are my foundation for how I live my life. Changing my values will not come easy, if at all, because I cannot lose who I am. This is just as important to me (if not more) as his ability to pay the bills and be “the man” in the marriage.

He has earned a few points along the way. He has promised to move out of the country while I go through menopause. He knows I love to talk, so he agrees to at least pretend he is listening. Recently, he apologized for every negative thing between us over the past six months. I was thinking, ‘add 30 more months to that, Buddy!’

Honestly, there are days when I think that I could marry him in a heart beat. Conversely, there are also days when I am so, so glad we are not married. But doesn’t that occur in marriages, anyway? The differences between our current relationship and marriage vows are: we would live under the same roof; have a deeper level of intimacy; merge our finances; and eat all of our meals together. So, why would I marry him without being hit over the head caveman style, and dragged into his lair? For all the reasons I have outline here, and more. However, I am not ready to say ‘I do’ today.

"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce

Diversifying Your Revenue Streams

I have a male friend who is always looking for ways to add to his personal revenue. He will contact me at nauseum with emails, text messages and phone calls about his next great, big idea! In the beginning, I did a lot of eye-rolling and muffled sighs thinking, “I’m just not that into all these wacky ideas!” (Sorry C; I know you read my blog!) But I consider whether or not I would buy the product, and if the answer is no, I am not interested in offering it to someone else. One of C’s “wacky” ideas was software for cell phones where people can talk their texts hands-free. Well, recently the laws changed in Georgia, making it illegal text while driving…Now I am thinking that maybe I should have moved on that idea before the laws changed!

And really, is it such a bad idea to have a variety of revenue streams, particularly in this economy? Even during years of plenty, we should consider alternate ways of earning money, so when/if one stream dries up, we do not have to panic because money is flowing from another source.

Wise investors already practice diversification –stocks, bonds, real estate, etc. If you own a business, you may have already tapped into ways of providing additional services and/or products to your customers that centers around your core business. This encourages customer loyalty and repeat business. So, why not apply these same principles in our personal lives?

Diversifying your revenue streams is simply practicing risk management. Things are fluctuating, and the foundations of our economy are changing. Now is a good time to prepare for the factors outside our control. The state of the economy has many people thinking more creatively about their financial position. This requires moving outside our comfort zone. For me, it is definitely anything related to sales. I have never considered myself a sales person, per se. If I present an item and you say “No thank you” I leave it at that. I do not prod and attempt to convince you to buy something you do not want. That is because I do not want to be prodded by salespeople who insist I buy their wacky idea. But, am I the wacky one for not seeing the goldmine?

What are some of the things you are doing, or preparing to do, that will diversify your income?

"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check once in awhile and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy." - George Horace Lorimer (1867-1937 American Editor)

When Life Changes Your Plans

Good day everyone! We missed a couple of days this week for our blog posts. I just started this blog last week, and certainly do not plan to flake out this soon…even though no one is commenting! Hmmm…perhaps what I have shared thus far is so thought-provoking that everyone is still thinking about what they want to post! Lol! Nevertheless, I am here today, and glad that you have stopped by.

I missed posting on Monday and Tuesday because I had a couple of situations with family and friends that needed my assistance. Of course, I did not plan for these things to occur, but they did. It started me to thinking how often we make plans that are changed by external, unexpected forces beyond our control. How do we handle such things? What about our character has equipped us to go with the flow, resisting the urge to panic or try to force our original plans?

For me, this has been one of the biggest challenges to my personal development. I am a planner, an organizer, one who expects D to follow A, B and C. However, when something shifts E or F before D, I can become frustrated. This is part of my need for control. I believe that having control of circumstances leaves no room for surprises; the best thought out plans brings reassurances that we are on the right path. However, life has shown me that circumstances can cause my plans to shift in unexpected territory. Another aspect is change. For many people, change is unchartered waters, and it is the unexpected that makes us draw back and resist change.

Yet, change and the unexpected can work in our favor. For example, the unexpected changes I experienced gave me something to write about today. This is equal to complacency, and complacency can be dangerous when life is nudging us in a different direction. Just think of Captain Smith and the Titanic. Rick Joyner wrote a book in 1994 titled "Leadership, Management & the Five Essentials for Success" with timeless advice on leadership. He uses analogies of the Titanic and Captain Smith, writing that complacency, not an iceberg, sank the Titanic. He goes on to write:

"A leader, like the captain of a ship, needs to know where he's going and how to get there before he leaves port. He must also be able to make adjustments in his plans…It is important to have the resolution to stay on course…but it is just as important to know when to adjust the course…when a deviation has been required. Had that wisdom been with Captain Smith of the Titanic, it is likely that his ship would never have sunk.”

I do not suggest that plans are unnecessary, but rather, allow space for changes that can improve your original plans.

Why Would I Get Married?

It's the weekend, Baby! Have a fabulous weekend, and let's do this again on Monday!


Okay. On Tuesday, I shared my plans to reinvent myself and embark upon a new career. Today, I have decided what that will be, exactly. I am going to become the female version of Tyler Perry and develop a screenplay for a movie titled, “Why Would I Get Married?” The sequel? “Why Would I Get Married…to You?!” Since Fridays are our free flow day, I am letting my pen flow with my evolution of love and relationships.

I recall when I was approaching my 40th birthday, a lady told me, “Once you turn 40, everything will become crystal clear. Your finances, retirement, relationships. Everything.” I smiled and blinked thinking, ‘so have I been in a fog the past 39 years?’ Not that I did not appreciate her advice. I did. She is one of many women that I admire. However, I thought that I had most things under control.

Today, I have come full circle with that statement, realizing the longer I live, nothing could be more truthful, particularly when it comes to love and marriage! As we get older, we learn that life has a lot of unanswered questions where there might not be an immediate answer. Still, the questions are there nonetheless. So, let me start with my first question:

Why would I get married?

Before I share my answer, please understand that I have a high regard for couples who marry, and stay together for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for rich or poor, until they part in death, and not because one murdered the other. These are the couples who have no unrealistic expectations, who not only love, but also respect and appreciate one another. They are to be commended for their commitment.

During my 40 plus years on this Earth, I have grown to love everything about who I am: the good, the bad and the ugly. I aspire to become a self-actualized person; I am a firm believer in personal development and life-long learning. My contentment and patience with myself in certain things gives space for my growth and development. Hence, I would only get married to a man who shares this acceptance of me. Of course, I am willing to accept him in the same manner. I have certainly learned that wasting time on a pseudo man who has no regard for my feelings is just wasting time…precious time that cannot be reclaimed.

This self-knowledge means that I would marry the man I did not want to live without, and the one I am willing to sacrifice for in order to make him happy. Meaning, I can willingly place my goals and fulfilling my destiny on hold because life calls me to channel that energy towards him and his needs. I would get married to the man who understands me, and respects the fact that all that I have experienced up to this point in time has shaped my values and beliefs. I have flowed from denying myself…to knowing myself…to no regrets for myself…to protecting myself.

Often, women loose their identity for the sake of pleasing the man. This should not be, and the man who truly loves a woman does not want her to loose who she is for him. That is selfish love that cannot mature. Relationships are give and take. Now, this does not mean that only one person gives and takes. A relationship is a constant flow of giving and receiving. Just imagine: if both people give 80%, both will receive a lot.

Yeah, I would get married when these principles are at the core of the relationship. Next week, I will answer the sequel: Why would I get married…to you?

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

Lessons Learned from the Great Recession

The majority of Americans have been affected by the financial crisis that nearly brought a Super Power to its knees. The U.S. is slowly recovering. Even if you are blessed to still have a job/career, and the possessions you have acquired over the years, chances are you know someone who has suffered some type of loss. Who would have thought that the excessiveness in America would give way to a financial tsunami? Actually, the warning signs were there for a long time. Unfortunately, many did not heed the signs and continued to live lavishly and rack up a mountain of debt. I must admit, I did not expect the level of damage many families have sustained.


Now, I do not suggest that everyone who is facing financial turmoil did not plan and prepare for a rainy day. I could not make such an assessment because I do not know everyone’s story. There are those who did prepare, but the storm lasted longer than their funds. An unexpected layoff in the midst of a tight job market can leave you in a quandary, uncertain if planning and preparation truly makes a difference.

The political battle du jour is financial reform for the markets that remain unregulated. Lack of regulation leaves the financial system (and American jobs) vulnerable to another attack. While Congress calculates political moves, I believe it is incumbent upon every American to reassess his or her financial position, and determine a path for a stronger financial future.

I always told my daughter that the worst mistake is the one where you do not learn the lesson. And surely, there are many lessons learned from the Great Recession. There are several lessons that I appreciate which I believe will serve my household well. Now, some may consider these all a part of becoming older and wiser. True, but the external conditions are ensuring that my actions follow what I know to do.

I have definitely learned that I can do more with less. Without enforcing my faith on any reader here, I know that God’s Hand has been there, providing, leading and guiding me. Even when I believed He wasn’t. The Lord was not absent in His silence, but rather, He was working behind the scenes sustaining me. How else could I still have a roof over my head, food in the freezer, no utilities turned off – without a job and steady income? God’s favor. Budgeting principles are also important; I cannot save if I am spending money; and, delaying gratification is not painful.

Please share what you have gained during this period when so much was lost.

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."  Brian Tracy

We Have to Get Over the Hump

Many have heard the term ‘hump day Wednesday’ – the middle of the week, the hurdle to cross over which indicates the end of the work week is near. Just two more days, and I can (fill in the blank). A hurdle is considered an obstacle to overcome before achieving a goal. It is also used in track and field competitions for runners to leap over. Avoiding the hurdle calls for immediate disqualification. Also, each type of race has different distances between each hurdle and the remaining distance to reach the finish line.

So it is in life. Each person will have shorter or longer distances between life’s hurdles and the finish line. So, excuse yourself from thinking you must maintain the same pace as others. They are thinking the same thing about you. I am learning to welcome some of life’s hurdles, for without them I cannot reach my finish line. Susan L. Taylor, former editorial director for Essence magazine once said, “You were created on purpose for a purpose.” My purpose gives meaning to the dash between my birth and my death. I want most to fulfill my destiny, my absolute purpose for being.

What happens when the hurdle is you? How do you move yourself out of the way towards progress and purpose for your life? We must honestly examine ourselves: the good, the bad and the ugly, and overcome the inward hurdles. We must also allow space to make mistakes, to sometimes falter and not fully conquer some of the hurdles.

The worst mistake that anyone can make is the one where the lesson is lost. Failures are sometimes hard to accept because failure is viewed as a personal weakness. However, failure is not a eulogy over your life. Failures are an opportune time to learn how to make improvements either to you, or to the process. Following the safe path to avert making a mistake is dull and predictable.

So, what gets you over the hurdles in life, when you are faced with a daunting task; a life altering decision; a seemingly insurmountable situation? One thing is true, but often hard to accept: some hurdles are strategically placed to help make us stronger, wiser, better and unbeatable!

"To dismiss failure is to dismiss an opportunity for genius to arise."

America's Education Dilemma

Tuesday is our day for and current events in political news. The more we know, the more we can grow.



I am a Reinventor, a person who is in the process of shifting her life and repackaging herself for a new career. Pamela Mitchell, author of “The 10 Laws of Career Reinvention,” states in her book that careers are a conduit for the type of life you want to lead. Towards the end of last year, I was giving serious consideration to becoming an educator. I take no credit. I was inspired by my 3 year old granddaughter’s love of learning. She softened my heart. I began to like children again, believing that I could inspire more children to value their education. However, those plans have been thwarted by the school closings and pending teacher layoffs not only in Georgia, but also across the nation.

A nation which cannot afford to educate its youth is an impoverished nation, in my opinion. There are people today who believe that education in the United States is the civil rights issue of the 21st century. The arguments among government officials, educators, teachers unions and administrators about the best practices to educate the nation’s youth should do more to move the conversation forward, resulting in action-oriented improvements.

Each side has a stake in winning. Administrators want to ensure compliance with state laws and federal regulations in order to receive proper funding. For the teachers’ union, the battle includes the effort to preserve the holy grail of teaching: tenure. Currently, tenure is a presumed right for teachers. Some critics believe that tenure is a cover for incompetent teachers. Tenure should not be used as a shield to protect incompetent teachers when our children remain ill-equipped to compete in a 21st century economy. Conversely, teachers should not automatically loose their jobs for low student performance.

The Department of Education has developed initiatives targeted at making long-awaited changes to encourage improvements. The most notable program, Race to the Top, is a $4.35 billion funding program designed to advance education reform in four key areas. School districts compete for federal funding by implementing strategies to improve low achieving schools; recruit, retain, develop and reward quality teachers and principals; build data systems to measure the academic growth and success of students; and, adopt standards and assessments that will equip students to succeed in college, the workplace and a global economy. Teacher pay is tied to student performance, and is not making a lot of unions happy. This means that some states would have to change legislation in order to compete for federal funds. Indeed, efficiency within schools translates into student success. The dimensions of efficiency provide balanced competition to ensure that school districts are successful.

Reports show that U.S. students rank 32nd in math scores, 10th in science, and 12th in reading among their international counterparts. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and the Reverend Al Sharpton – two public figures with polar opposite political views – have joined forces to combat the problems that plague the nations’ educational system. Both men want to see real reform in the nation’s schools that will lead to an improvement in student achievement. This sets a positive example of what is required in order to experience real reform in education. Differences should not outweigh the common goal of success for students. If the United States wants to compete and lead the world in the 21st century economy, teachers’ unions and administrators must follow Mr. Gingrich and Rev. Sharpton’s lead, and demonstrate a willingness to work together.

So, what are we to do? Why are schools closing, and are real solutions being overlooked in the interest of saving money? What do budget shortfalls in school districts say about our priorities? Every child deserves a quality education, and we should not loose sight of what truly matters.

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." William Arthur Ward

The Morning After

On Mondays, we will share uplifting and inspirational topics to help set the tone for the rest of our week.



I used to say that the worst thing about Friday is Monday was two days away…I know, what a depressing thing to say! So, I thought for my inaugural blog, I would reverse this way of thinking and give us a reason to celebrate Mondays!

When I think of celebrations, I think of things like cake, confetti, music and happy people. The Great Recession has left many people feeling like anything but celebratory. Why? Because sometimes life leads us down a depressing path, and we are unable to celebrate Friday (present) because we dread Monday (the future).

But, what if we challenge ourselves to embrace the future, despite what we presently see? This requires facing our fears, and we all know that the false evidence appearing real is nothing more than a jealous person who does not want the best for you, resents your courage and wants your life to make them comfortable. Fear paralyzes, so take action today if you want to defeat your fears.

There is a line in a gospel song by John P. Kee which says, “All of my problems I will outlast!” Now, isn’t that the truth?! Tell me, where are you today, and where is that problem you thought would never end? Can you think of at least one reason to celebrate today? I know I can think of several: I am above ground; I have a promising future; I am blessed with everything I need; I am a healthy, vibrant woman; I can make choices that propels me towards fulfilling my purpose in life.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?" Marianne Williamson

Share your thoughts and have a Magnificient Monday!