Adjusting Socially to Social Media

Okay. I am the first to admit that there are some things about social media networking that I just do not ‘get.’ Sure, I started this blog for two reasons: (1) I have an opinion about virtually EVERYTHING, and writing this blog is my outlet, (2) Blogs have the potential to generate income, and I hope to build this as an additional revenue stream. But somewhere, I fell off the blog wagon and will have to start anew to reach goal #2. I still have my opinions.

 
Now this Facebook thing…well, let’s just say that I might have pulled the last straw with my daughter’s patience. There are some things I just don’t get. Like a few months ago. I changed my relationship status from being ‘in a relationship’ to ‘single’. Two people selected “like.” Okay.
 
You like the fact that I am no longer with the person I thought I would spend the rest of his life with? I told my daughter and she said, “It doesn’t really mean that they like it.” Oh. I was also surprised that Everyone saw what I had changed! I didn’t know that happened on Facebook!

Of course, I joined Facebook after my daughter told me she was ‘friends’ with my friends – and that some of the Mothers of the church (a term of endearment for elderly ladies in the African-American church) were on Facebook. Yes, I figured it was time to enter the 21st century social media network.

My daughter has been a champion helping me navigate Facebook. I have: changed my settings so Everyone can no longer “see” everything I do with my profile; uploaded mobile photos; and, learned how to go offline without interruption from others who want to “chat” while I want to do something else on the site.

I did figure out on my own the numbers game. In the virtual world of Facebook, anyone can be friends. A high number of friends on Facebook is the high school popularity contest remix. In my opinion. I consistently receive friend requests from people I either do not know (or cannot remember knowing) or people who never spoke to me away from the keyboard.

Now, back to last night. I questioned why one of my male friends would send me a generic message that – in my opinion – he could have posted on my wall. My daughter, apparently at the end of her rope said in a reprimanding tone, “You need to delete your profile. You keep reading too much into this. You don’t have to post everything to a person’s wall.”

Well, you would think she could show a little reciprocity of patience. Like I did during the 12 months of sterilizing her baby bottles and mixing formula so she would not starve…or, during her potty training years…or, her puberty period…you get my point?

I thought the Facebook wall is where people express everything. I do find it interesting that some people choose to post a synopsis of their entire day, including what they ate for dinner. And, I admit: You can equate me to the person who resisted the personal computer because she could not let go of her typewriter.

I am not eager to switch to something new simply because it’s new. Not until I can rationalize its purpose in my life. Yes, I do have a tendency to “think” too much and I relish my privacy.

Surely, I am not the only person who thinks too much.  Maybe there is a social media network that connects to how I am wired, rather than the other way around. Given the growth of the Internet, it is possible that type of site already exists. Guess I’ll Google it and see what turns up!

"The only limitation in your life is the limitation of your own thinking."

 

What if Muslims Burned the Holy Bible?

A disturbing event is planned for September 11, 2010. Unlike September 11, 2001, this even will take place in Gainesville, FL…at a church. No, this event is not the NBC promo for one of its new fall TV shows. This event at Dove World Outreach Center is the “International Burn a Quran Day,” the sacred tenets of the Muslim faith.

Officials in Gainesville denied the fire permit application to the church, but it plans to proceed despite this denial. The church has even listed 10 reasons to justify this act on its website. Key arguments are that Islam wants to take over the world, Islam is of the devil, and that the Islamic culture teaches fear and hatred towards the West. I would like to question this logic on several grounds.

What is the real message? Dove is a symbol of peace. How ironic that this church has chosen it as part of its name. Burning the Quran is not a sign of peace, but rather a lethal way to incite violence and more hate crimes. What manner of Christianity is this? Christ taught that men (the world) would know that we are His disciples of we show love towards others. Lest we forget, the Bible was used to justify slavery. Crosses were burned on lawns, terrorizing families. Still, the message then was the same as now: we do not want you here.

This is hardly the best way to commemorate the souls who died on 9/11. Lest we forget, the 9/11 terrorists did not wait until all Muslims left the Twin Towers. On that day, the world saw Americans as one. We stood together as one…until we eased back into the comforts of our own prejudices. Despite the man-made denominations which separate Christians, the world also sees each group proclaiming to be Christians as one. Yet, there is a difference. Just like there is a difference between Islamic extremists who also kill Muslims, and devout Muslims who live in peace and denounce terrorism. I have learned that there are those who call themselves Christian, and those who are true Christians. Their actions speak for them, while the others just speak.

What is the real fear? The Bible also teaches us that “there is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment.” (I John 4:18) America has a world-wide reputation for its freedom, opportunity, wealth, values, arrogance and dominance. There is a love-hate relationship with this country because of our own ambiguity: Join us, but leave your world, your beliefs, your values, and your language behind. We will pick and choose what is acceptable in our ethnocentric culture. We decide if you are un-American. The efforts of this church to prove a point is sending the message that America is a land of intolerance. Those feared also have inalienable rights in this country. This leads me to my final question…

What could be the end result? More harm than good is done if this church allows fear to dictate its actions. The seeds planted can lead to growth on dangerous grounds that no one in America is prepared to handle. This could embolden other factions in America that want to take their country back. It would not surprise me to see Muslim-Americans turn the other cheek and not retaliate. However, it shames me to see those who call themselves “Christian” behave in this manner. Not only are they disrespecting someone’s faith, but they are also breaking the law of the land. Is this really what Jesus would do?

“Do unto others as you will have them do unto you.”

Do You Know Where You're Going To?

Okay. Today is the day that I reveal a personal weakness: I have no sense of direction. If you want me to get from Point A to Point B, you have to be very specific. Turn left onto This Way Rd. Pass five traffic lights and turn right onto Get U There St. Without specifics, I am almost always guaranteed to get lost. If you do not believe me, just ask my close friend who was kind enough to invite me to a special event recently.

My friend’s coworker has launched a new exciting blog, The Invisible Gazebo, and decided to host a blog party, which I think is a unique and brilliant way to celebrate a new endeavor. The plan was for me to drive to my friend’s house, and we would ride together to the party. Well, rather than drive on the highway, I decided to take the back roads route – a route I have not driven in a long time. I recalled at some point, I would see a sign to turn left onto the road that would lead me directly to my friend’s house.

The shorter version of this story is that I never saw the sign that I was looking for. Why? Well, apparently some genius city planner/DOT specialist/person who doesn’t know that I am methodical decided to place a traffic signal at the intersection where I was expecting to see a 4-way stop! Didn’t anyone tell them that I have no sense of direction, and need specific directions in order to arrive at my destination?! We were one hour late for the party because of my mishap. But wait, there’s more…

Once I was led in the right direction by two men at the second gas station where I stopped for directions, I saw where I had erred. I knew where I was trying to go, but could not see beyond my expectations of how to get there. This caused me to overlook what had changed. The pathway was the same, but the signs were different.

What’s more, there were signs to lead me in the right direction, but I failed to notice and missed the opportunity to be on the right road sooner. The good thing was that I made the decision to go in the right direction, rather than insist that my way was best. Good because with that attitude, I would have ended up at the Atlantic Ocean!

How many times do we make the same mistake about our lives? We develop expectations based on what is familiar, and fail to recognize the changes that have taken place. The key is to not allow those changes to knock us off balance. We must remain determined, centered, and persistent. Eventually, we will arrive. It might be an hour, one day, or one year later, but we will arrive. And, when we get there, we can celebrate and enjoy the company of those who are there to share in our joy. Just like we did at The Invisible Gazebo!

“I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” -- Jimmy Dean

“That which we persist in doing becomes easier for us to do — not that the nature of the thing is changed, but that our power to do is increased.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Ethical Responsibility is Ethical Accountability

One of the challenges for leaders is how to respond to an ethical dilemma, especially when your decision places you at odds with the mainstream. It is absolutely imperative that as leaders, we allow our behavior to be shaped by integrity. Weighing right versus wrong is not optional. Our core values must lay the foundation for how we choose to approach ethical decisions. A leader who operates with integrity will practice what he or she preaches, regardless of personal emotions and society’s opinion pressuring them to do otherwise. The litmus test for making ethical decisions: how would you feel if your actions were captured in tomorrow's headlines?

One leader whom I admire is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Certainly, his decisions made headlines during the Civil Rights Movement. He challenged the thinking and actions of millions of Americans, and his legacy continues to influence leadership practices and principles. Dr. King was arrested in 1963 for breaking the law. We are taught that laws must be obeyed; otherwise we face the consequences of choosing not to obey. However, the legal laws that were being enforced consistently broke moral codes. Therefore, Dr. King felt that he had an ethical and moral responsibility to change those laws. The “Letter from Birmingham Jail” expresses his response to those who held him accountable for his actions.

Dr. King wrote this letter during a less than expedient time in American history where segregation was legal in the South. It was legal to deprive Black citizens of their constitutional right for equality. Jim Crow Laws plagued the southern region. Negro citizens were expected to obey a set of laws that were demeaning and aimed at instilling an inferiority complex.

Dr. King was not talking to foreigners or to an audience oblivious to the treatment of Negro citizens. He was speaking to an audience who had witnessed and experienced these conditions. Complacency can cloud one’s ethical judgment. The black and white clergy to whom this letter was addressed were not blind to the oppressed conditions in Birmingham. Yet, they were willing to appease the status quo and condemn a man who wanted to help them. One group in society made the decision that they were superior to another group and created laws to justify their decision. To Dr. King, this made their laws unjust and fortified his reason to break those unjust laws. As St. Augustine once said, “an unjust law is no law at all.”

Let’s examine the specific reason that Dr. King was arrested. What law did he break? Dr. King was charged with “parading without a permit.” The white power structure in Birmingham decided that because they refused to change their segregated lifestyle, they needed to find a way to besmirch Dr. King’s reputation and attempted to use coercive power to change his behavior.

Dr. King and his followers did not make a rash decision. They attempted to engage the white power structure in conversation to express their concerns. They received empty promises which were made only to prevent demonstrations and ensure revenue from the Negro community. Thus, they prepared themselves for a nonviolent demonstration. The demonstration was a last resort after other diplomatic attempts to resolve the issue had failed. How could Dr. King sit idle, lulled by complacency, and consider himself a leader? He could not.

Dr. King’s obligation and commitment to elevating purpose not only led to his decision to accept the consequences of breaking the “law” in Birmingham, but also guided him throughout the Civil Rights Movement, even unto death. Dr. King felt obligated to answer the call on his life to improve the living conditions of black people in American society.

Leaders must stand for what they believe in, no matter the cost. Actually, when considering the costs, a true leader becomes more determined. The leader has accepted the responsibility of the consequences. Dr. King was prepared to accept the penalty for breaking the law. He held himself ethically accountable for his actions. In doing this, Dr. King expressed “the highest respect for law.”
Even if you do not consider yourself a leader, you should have an ethical code. Laws are made to regulate behavior. Ethics exists to resolve internal conflict when faced with a dilemma. Ethics is making choices which determine how a person responds to a particular situation with honesty and accountability. Legislating ethics does not change the intent of a person’s heart, and does not lead to ethically responsible behavior.
If rather, our fundamental values are shaped by situations or dilemmas, we risk the appearance of being as unstable as water. Followers are confused and uncertain about in which direction they are being led. People may not agree with the leader’s position. However, the leader is respected for remaining steadfast in his or her values and beliefs.

“On some positions, Cowardice asks the question, 'Is it safe?' Expediency asks the question, 'Is it politic?' And Vanity comes along and asks the question, 'Is it popular?' But Conscience asks the question, 'Is it right?' And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must do it because Conscience tells him it is right.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

When it is a Matter of Life and Destiny

We strive for Greatness in many areas of life, whether is in the sports arena, corporate America, or as an entrepreneur. Many people even strive to be the greatest in national and international religious organizations. In our minds and in society, Greatness comes from having the best and being the best. Society's Greatness is found at the top echelon of our field, and making sure everyone around us knows it. Society's Greatness is defined by how well we live (i.e. our job title, what we drive, where we live, what we wear). However, what steps must you take toward God-given Greatness? I know that I was created on purpose for a purpose, as Susan L. Taylor once stated. Regardless of my daily challenges, I know that I cannot die until I have fulfilled my destiny.

Our strength is built in adversity. In your weakness lies your greatest strength. There are many obstacles on the road to Greatness. Can you live without being accepted by people? People may not understand you. Instead of supporting your goals, some will attempt to put an end to your growth or make you feel isolated. By nature, we are most comfortable around those who are just like us. Anyone who would dare to deviate from the safe, familiar path is deemed strange, a rebel without a cause that forces others to look at themselves. But I dare you to be different. I dare you to not give in to the many voices without and within that will oppose your purpose for being. Eleanor Roosevelt once said that no one could make you feel inferior without your permission. You will never find the road to Greatness hanging around folk who are trying to go nowhere in a hurry.

Nothing can be more damaging to the human spirit than to get kicked when you are down. Yet, this will challenge your belief in yourself, and cause you to wonder: “How bad do I want it?” Know that only your true friends will be around to help keep a song in your heart. And, during the moments when your friends are not available, you must continue to sing that song and like King David, encourage yourself. The strength in your vision and God’s destiny for your life must prevail.

It is safer to notice what someone is doing to you, than to admit what you are doing to yourself. The outward challenges are sometimes easier to overcome than the inward struggles. Yet, the outward challenges and your relationship with others often manifest inward struggles. We lose ourselves in the struggle when we battle those things without and never recognize the things within. For example, how willing are you to forgive someone who has hurt or disappointed you? Forgiveness releases a person we feel is indebted to us. But more importantly, we release ourselves. Harboring unforgiveness causes our inner being to deteriorate. In our self-righteousness and need for vindication, we hold on to a breach of our trust by another. Any reminder of the experience reignites those hurt feelings and we relive the pain all over again. There are many people today denying their Greatness because they are living unhealed lives.

It is also important to remember that Greatness is not so much an arrival or destination point as it is a road we continuously travel. That is to say, you do not reach a pinnacle and sigh, “That’s enough.” I caution against becoming mired in the web of complacency. I am not satisfied with mediocrity while my destiny goes unfulfilled. Choosing the road to Greatness in this life causes you to give life your best and receive the best in return. This is a continued reciprocity, and for this you can never be satisfied. Yes, be content with the growth opportunity, but never be satisfied to remain where you are. Seek to grow wherever you are planted and ask God to help you gain patience, understanding, and reaffirmation of purpose.

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." -- Dawna Markova

Haste Makes Waste

The latest headline that is dominating media outlets is the recent firing of Shirley Sherrod, a senior official within the Department of Agriculture. This incident speaks to how sensitive this nation is when it comes to race relations. How can an organization publicly condemn a person for comments made during one of its events – before checking all of the facts?

Unfortunately, USDA Secretary Tom Vilsack, the White House, and the NAACP had a knee jerk reaction to an edited video clip published by a right wing organization of statements Ms. Sherrod made a few months ago. Now, some might be willing to give the White House and Secretary Vilsack a pass. However, the NAACP does not deserve a pass. Ms. Sherrod made the alleged comments at an event held by the organization in March. (Click here to watch the full video.) What happened to due diligence, especially if you espouse to represent a group of people who have been marginalized, misrepresented, and maligned in this country? No one in the organization chose to think before acting, and a hastily decision was made to support her resignation. Or, was the NAACP quick to respond because of its recent resolution that condemned racist elements in the tea party movement? I believe it was the latter. In an effort to preserve its image, the organization nearly destroyed the character of a woman who has helped people of all colors.

Frankly, I do not agree with the NAACP’s decision to adopt such a resolution in the first place. That is like telling us that water is wet. Rather, I would like to see the NAACP focus its energy on real issues affecting the black community everyday, since it is supposed to stand for the advancement of African-American people. What a more powerful statement the organization could have made if it had revealed the full video before other outlets chose to listen to Ms. Sherrod. Another wasted opportunity, and a rush to judgment. Instead, the organization has given ammunition to those it claims to condemn.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving.” - Dale Carnegie

Our Men are Dying; What are We Prepared to Do?

On Thursday, July 8, 2010, a jury in Los Angeles handed an involuntary manslaughter conviction to former BART cop Johannes Mehserle for killing Oscar Grant, an unarmed African-American man at a public transit station. Mehserle said that the shooting was an accident. He thought he had pulled the trigger on his taser, not his hand gun.

Really? I know that humans are prone to making mistakes, but riddle me this: why was it necessary to use even a taser on an unarmed man who is handcuffed and lying face down on the ground –while your partner has his foot on the man’s neck? My prayers go out to Mr. Grant’s family because he will never come home to them again.

I witnessed first hand one evening nearly 20 years ago what could have resulted in a grieving moment for my family. A close friend and I had just returned to my family’s home and were chatting in her car when my brother, Edward, pulled up with a police car on his tail. We got out of the car and walked towards my brother. The officer claimed that Edward had failed to yield to a stop sign. Edward was arguing profusely that he had stopped, while the officer was inching closer telling him to shut up.

It is important to note that the stop sign was a half block away from our house; the policeman had followed my brother for that distance without turning on his lights. He stopped when Edward parked his car in front of our house. Apparently, the policeman wanted to seize a golden opportunity to arrest, harm or kill another black man who was driving in a nice neighborhood with a couple of his friends.

Surely my and my girlfriend’s presence was unexpected. I looked into the officer’s eyes (seeing satisfaction swell) and turned towards Edward, telling him to “be quiet. The officer wants you to get angry so he will have a reason to arrest you or worse.” My brother began to calm down, and the officer, not surprisingly, returned to his patrol car without issuing a ticket.

Unfortunately, police brutality is not the only threat to a black man’s life. According to University of California-Berkeley Professor Harry Edwards, in the first five years of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, we lost less than 5,000 soldiers. During those same years, nearly 27,000 African-American men have died on American streets by gunfire. Well, it is safer for our men to go to war, than to walk one block from their home. What are we prepared to do about that?

Now, my intent is not to besmirch the character of the many police officers across this country who serve our communities bravely and with integrity. Rather, I want to call attention to an epidemic that is all too common. Maybe on some level we have become immune. Some might consider “epidemic” to strong for the actual statistics. Too strong for Oscar Grant, or too strong for what my brother experienced? I say both, because one is too many.

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Be a Master of Paradox

The term “master of paradox” in its basic form, means that a leader knows when to do what is necessary for the cause, purpose, or situation. The leader’s behavior contradicts itself, depending on the circumstances. To some, this exhibits the inability to make decisions. However, mastering paradox in leadership displays the leader’s willingness to be flexible. While consistency is important, at times it is necessary to change your course.


Abraham Lincoln was a classic example of a leader having mastered paradox. Lincoln was known for his consistent behavior throughout his presidency. Yet, Lincoln also had the ability to be flexible. As he put it, “I shall do less whenever I shall believe what I am doing hurts the cause.” Lincoln never wavered from his core values. They were always the foundation for what he chose to do, or not to do.

Impression management is related to being a master of paradox based on public perception. Impression management theory describes leaders as actors who orchestrate their behavior to influence their audience. Leaders may use impression management in order to control the impression that others may have of their public behavior. Privately, leaders will express themselves differently. One must consider the end result of impression management to determine if it is being used for evil or for good.

Being a master of paradox is a reflection that humility and a personal commitment to a cause are more important for a good leader to do the right thing, rather than pushing their own agenda.

A leader is positioned to be more successful when they have the ethical capacity to respond proactively rather than reactively. The leader is able to control the outcome of events rather than being controlled by the events.

Another way to build ethical capacity through character development is to have the willingness to acknowledge our weaknesses. Usually, we shift blame to others and point out why “they” make “us” act a certain way. We fail to realize that life is about choices. And, blaming others is also a choice that we have made to deal with our own shortcomings.

Leaders must also learn how to choose their battles. It is not necessary to fight every battle; sometimes, we must save our energy for the war. Responding out of anger is not appropriate and does not serve the greater purpose. It is not that leaders do not become angry, but that leaders are less effective when they respond out of anger. Not having a safe place to express our anger can leave us susceptible to outside pressures and limit our capacity to deal with situations rationally.

It is important that leaders weigh their options and the consequences for choosing one behavior over another. Leaders must ask questions such as: What purpose does this serve? What will be the consequences of my actions? What is there to gain? What is there to loose? Asking these questions will eliminate the possibility of making rash decisions. Additionally, the realization that different situations require different approaches and solutions helps to increase our ethical capacity to always make the right decisions. And, ethical responsibility is ethical accountability. We will discuss this next week.

“The challenge of leadership is to be strong, but not rude; be kind, but not weak; be bold, but not a bully; be thoughtful, but not lazy; be humble, but not timid; be proud, but not arrogant; have humor, but without folly.” Jim Rohn

Empty Wagons Make the Most Noise, and the 6 o’clock News

I decided in junior high school that I wanted to become a journalist. I loved writing, and my father even encouraged my ambition with my first Brother typewriter. My, have things changed! When was the last time you saw a typewriter? Now, we have the PC, iPad, and a host of other technology gadgets I will not try to name! Unfortunately, technology is not the only thing that has changed.

Coupled with my passion for writing, I wanted to become a journalist because I believed that writing does not lead to boredom; there is always something fresh to write about. However, in the day of new media craze, one can hardly find “fresh” news, unless it is something scandalous. Sound bytes and headlines get the most attention, rather than the facts, especially when they are centered on disparaging someone’s character or inciting anger.

In its May 3, 2010 print issue, Time magazine has a poignant picture of a gun-toting man with his back to the camera. The background shows a small crowd gathered in Virginia to protest our federal government and gun control. The writer emphasizes that the media’s love affair with such episodes, while more important issues get less attention.

The evolution of the media into a magnet for hype has given fringe movements such as the Tea party and others space to vent pent up frustrations, while more interesting, educating and intellectually stimulating stories are largely ignored. Or at best, listed as a footnote. One can argue whether or not it is society’s penchant for “news”, or the influence of a 24/7 news cycle. But, we must not take the possible influence of these groups lightly. Is the issue a network or news publication’s need or high ratings the driving force, or is it the ability of these groups to organize and garner the attention? If it is the latter, we really need to examine our values and priorities. Civility is joining the dinosaur for extinction. I am afraid that once we completely loose this, we have lost what separates us from animals.

“When once the forms of civility are violated, there remains little hope of return to kindness and decency.” Samuel Johnson

“So let us begin anew – remembering on both sides that civility is not a sign of weakness.” President John F. Kennedy

Broken Pieces

Often times, we are marred by broken promises, wasted time or even self-inflicted wounds. We then put together those broken pieces based on our fallible human ability. In our haste to repair ourselves, we build a wall without a lasting foundation. But, we feel protected. We give ourselves a false sense of security, and become protective of what we have built. We risk experiencing the pain all over again if the wall is torn down.

However, we dismiss the fact that something built on the wrong foundation is doomed anyway. We hide the hurt as a mother hen protects her baby chicks, providing a shield from danger. At the same time, we are reluctant to allow God to take over and tear down what we have built. We cannot allow Him to mold us differently. Actually, why does He need to? Aren’t we already healed? What is wrong with the way we have done things…for so long? Do we have to relive the pain and admit that we have been on the wrong track? Yes. If we are willing to trust God, He will show us a more excellent way. Our way only cripples.

Everyone will face the brokenness of life while on this earth. It is a package deal with life. However, it is how we deal with what is broken that makes the difference. Do we continue dysfunctional behavior, trying to ignore the broken pieces, or are we willing to move forward and learn the life lesson that is guaranteed to make us better, rather than bitter?

I choose better, knowing that things don’t just happen. The good and the bad have a place on my path to greatness.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” Helen Keller

Why Would I Get Married...to You?!

Last Friday, I shared my thoughts on love and marriage, particularly the guiding principles that would lead me to get married. As promised, today I would like to answer my second question: Why Would I Get Married…to You?! This question is birthed out of a three year relationship with a man 10 years my senior, and very set in his ways—just like me.

Over time, I have grown to love and appreciate him. In many ways, he has made me feel secure and protected. You know, the way a woman should feel with her man. He has been there for me during the highs and lows of the past three years. He supports my ambitions and life goals. However, this has not been a fairy tale romance; we have our disagreements, and have endured the ebb and flow that occurs in normal relationships. To his credit, he deserves an award for sticking with me. I know this might be hard to believe, but everyday with me is not a day at the beach! Yes, I have a few flaws that will challenge the sanity of any man…not to mention a retired military officer. He once described our “debates” as two people in a gun fight.

My personal growth during this relationship has solidified many internal convictions. I am 100% comfortable with the prospect of never marrying. I often ask, ‘where does this man fit into my life? What can I live with; what will I not live without?’ I believe that these questions are essential in order to determine my true reason for making a lifelong commitment to another human being. And, these are questions that two people need to explore together as well as separately. We have had this discussion on numerous occasions, and we both accept the fact that there are some things about one another that will never change.

We both agreed three years ago that we were not going to rush down the aisle. Yes, we wanted marriage, love, commitment and everything in between. Yes, we wanted to pursue a long-term relationship with each other. But no, we were not rushing into a regrettable mistake. We were both at a place in our personal lives where certain things needed to be accomplished before we took that leap. In the meantime, we could get to know each other and determine a path for our future together.

This man knows a lot about me. He is very observant, and reads my personality well. He knows the good, the bad, and the ugly. He knows that I stand firmly on my values and convictions because those are my foundation for how I live my life. Changing my values will not come easy, if at all, because I cannot lose who I am. This is just as important to me (if not more) as his ability to pay the bills and be “the man” in the marriage.

He has earned a few points along the way. He has promised to move out of the country while I go through menopause. He knows I love to talk, so he agrees to at least pretend he is listening. Recently, he apologized for every negative thing between us over the past six months. I was thinking, ‘add 30 more months to that, Buddy!’

Honestly, there are days when I think that I could marry him in a heart beat. Conversely, there are also days when I am so, so glad we are not married. But doesn’t that occur in marriages, anyway? The differences between our current relationship and marriage vows are: we would live under the same roof; have a deeper level of intimacy; merge our finances; and eat all of our meals together. So, why would I marry him without being hit over the head caveman style, and dragged into his lair? For all the reasons I have outline here, and more. However, I am not ready to say ‘I do’ today.

"Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce

Diversifying Your Revenue Streams

I have a male friend who is always looking for ways to add to his personal revenue. He will contact me at nauseum with emails, text messages and phone calls about his next great, big idea! In the beginning, I did a lot of eye-rolling and muffled sighs thinking, “I’m just not that into all these wacky ideas!” (Sorry C; I know you read my blog!) But I consider whether or not I would buy the product, and if the answer is no, I am not interested in offering it to someone else. One of C’s “wacky” ideas was software for cell phones where people can talk their texts hands-free. Well, recently the laws changed in Georgia, making it illegal text while driving…Now I am thinking that maybe I should have moved on that idea before the laws changed!

And really, is it such a bad idea to have a variety of revenue streams, particularly in this economy? Even during years of plenty, we should consider alternate ways of earning money, so when/if one stream dries up, we do not have to panic because money is flowing from another source.

Wise investors already practice diversification –stocks, bonds, real estate, etc. If you own a business, you may have already tapped into ways of providing additional services and/or products to your customers that centers around your core business. This encourages customer loyalty and repeat business. So, why not apply these same principles in our personal lives?

Diversifying your revenue streams is simply practicing risk management. Things are fluctuating, and the foundations of our economy are changing. Now is a good time to prepare for the factors outside our control. The state of the economy has many people thinking more creatively about their financial position. This requires moving outside our comfort zone. For me, it is definitely anything related to sales. I have never considered myself a sales person, per se. If I present an item and you say “No thank you” I leave it at that. I do not prod and attempt to convince you to buy something you do not want. That is because I do not want to be prodded by salespeople who insist I buy their wacky idea. But, am I the wacky one for not seeing the goldmine?

What are some of the things you are doing, or preparing to do, that will diversify your income?

"It's good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it's good, too, to check once in awhile and make sure that you haven't lost the things that money can't buy." - George Horace Lorimer (1867-1937 American Editor)

When Life Changes Your Plans

Good day everyone! We missed a couple of days this week for our blog posts. I just started this blog last week, and certainly do not plan to flake out this soon…even though no one is commenting! Hmmm…perhaps what I have shared thus far is so thought-provoking that everyone is still thinking about what they want to post! Lol! Nevertheless, I am here today, and glad that you have stopped by.

I missed posting on Monday and Tuesday because I had a couple of situations with family and friends that needed my assistance. Of course, I did not plan for these things to occur, but they did. It started me to thinking how often we make plans that are changed by external, unexpected forces beyond our control. How do we handle such things? What about our character has equipped us to go with the flow, resisting the urge to panic or try to force our original plans?

For me, this has been one of the biggest challenges to my personal development. I am a planner, an organizer, one who expects D to follow A, B and C. However, when something shifts E or F before D, I can become frustrated. This is part of my need for control. I believe that having control of circumstances leaves no room for surprises; the best thought out plans brings reassurances that we are on the right path. However, life has shown me that circumstances can cause my plans to shift in unexpected territory. Another aspect is change. For many people, change is unchartered waters, and it is the unexpected that makes us draw back and resist change.

Yet, change and the unexpected can work in our favor. For example, the unexpected changes I experienced gave me something to write about today. This is equal to complacency, and complacency can be dangerous when life is nudging us in a different direction. Just think of Captain Smith and the Titanic. Rick Joyner wrote a book in 1994 titled "Leadership, Management & the Five Essentials for Success" with timeless advice on leadership. He uses analogies of the Titanic and Captain Smith, writing that complacency, not an iceberg, sank the Titanic. He goes on to write:

"A leader, like the captain of a ship, needs to know where he's going and how to get there before he leaves port. He must also be able to make adjustments in his plans…It is important to have the resolution to stay on course…but it is just as important to know when to adjust the course…when a deviation has been required. Had that wisdom been with Captain Smith of the Titanic, it is likely that his ship would never have sunk.”

I do not suggest that plans are unnecessary, but rather, allow space for changes that can improve your original plans.

Why Would I Get Married?

It's the weekend, Baby! Have a fabulous weekend, and let's do this again on Monday!


Okay. On Tuesday, I shared my plans to reinvent myself and embark upon a new career. Today, I have decided what that will be, exactly. I am going to become the female version of Tyler Perry and develop a screenplay for a movie titled, “Why Would I Get Married?” The sequel? “Why Would I Get Married…to You?!” Since Fridays are our free flow day, I am letting my pen flow with my evolution of love and relationships.

I recall when I was approaching my 40th birthday, a lady told me, “Once you turn 40, everything will become crystal clear. Your finances, retirement, relationships. Everything.” I smiled and blinked thinking, ‘so have I been in a fog the past 39 years?’ Not that I did not appreciate her advice. I did. She is one of many women that I admire. However, I thought that I had most things under control.

Today, I have come full circle with that statement, realizing the longer I live, nothing could be more truthful, particularly when it comes to love and marriage! As we get older, we learn that life has a lot of unanswered questions where there might not be an immediate answer. Still, the questions are there nonetheless. So, let me start with my first question:

Why would I get married?

Before I share my answer, please understand that I have a high regard for couples who marry, and stay together for better or worse, in sickness and in health, for rich or poor, until they part in death, and not because one murdered the other. These are the couples who have no unrealistic expectations, who not only love, but also respect and appreciate one another. They are to be commended for their commitment.

During my 40 plus years on this Earth, I have grown to love everything about who I am: the good, the bad and the ugly. I aspire to become a self-actualized person; I am a firm believer in personal development and life-long learning. My contentment and patience with myself in certain things gives space for my growth and development. Hence, I would only get married to a man who shares this acceptance of me. Of course, I am willing to accept him in the same manner. I have certainly learned that wasting time on a pseudo man who has no regard for my feelings is just wasting time…precious time that cannot be reclaimed.

This self-knowledge means that I would marry the man I did not want to live without, and the one I am willing to sacrifice for in order to make him happy. Meaning, I can willingly place my goals and fulfilling my destiny on hold because life calls me to channel that energy towards him and his needs. I would get married to the man who understands me, and respects the fact that all that I have experienced up to this point in time has shaped my values and beliefs. I have flowed from denying myself…to knowing myself…to no regrets for myself…to protecting myself.

Often, women loose their identity for the sake of pleasing the man. This should not be, and the man who truly loves a woman does not want her to loose who she is for him. That is selfish love that cannot mature. Relationships are give and take. Now, this does not mean that only one person gives and takes. A relationship is a constant flow of giving and receiving. Just imagine: if both people give 80%, both will receive a lot.

Yeah, I would get married when these principles are at the core of the relationship. Next week, I will answer the sequel: Why would I get married…to you?

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

Lessons Learned from the Great Recession

The majority of Americans have been affected by the financial crisis that nearly brought a Super Power to its knees. The U.S. is slowly recovering. Even if you are blessed to still have a job/career, and the possessions you have acquired over the years, chances are you know someone who has suffered some type of loss. Who would have thought that the excessiveness in America would give way to a financial tsunami? Actually, the warning signs were there for a long time. Unfortunately, many did not heed the signs and continued to live lavishly and rack up a mountain of debt. I must admit, I did not expect the level of damage many families have sustained.


Now, I do not suggest that everyone who is facing financial turmoil did not plan and prepare for a rainy day. I could not make such an assessment because I do not know everyone’s story. There are those who did prepare, but the storm lasted longer than their funds. An unexpected layoff in the midst of a tight job market can leave you in a quandary, uncertain if planning and preparation truly makes a difference.

The political battle du jour is financial reform for the markets that remain unregulated. Lack of regulation leaves the financial system (and American jobs) vulnerable to another attack. While Congress calculates political moves, I believe it is incumbent upon every American to reassess his or her financial position, and determine a path for a stronger financial future.

I always told my daughter that the worst mistake is the one where you do not learn the lesson. And surely, there are many lessons learned from the Great Recession. There are several lessons that I appreciate which I believe will serve my household well. Now, some may consider these all a part of becoming older and wiser. True, but the external conditions are ensuring that my actions follow what I know to do.

I have definitely learned that I can do more with less. Without enforcing my faith on any reader here, I know that God’s Hand has been there, providing, leading and guiding me. Even when I believed He wasn’t. The Lord was not absent in His silence, but rather, He was working behind the scenes sustaining me. How else could I still have a roof over my head, food in the freezer, no utilities turned off – without a job and steady income? God’s favor. Budgeting principles are also important; I cannot save if I am spending money; and, delaying gratification is not painful.

Please share what you have gained during this period when so much was lost.

"Develop an attitude of gratitude, and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation."  Brian Tracy

We Have to Get Over the Hump

Many have heard the term ‘hump day Wednesday’ – the middle of the week, the hurdle to cross over which indicates the end of the work week is near. Just two more days, and I can (fill in the blank). A hurdle is considered an obstacle to overcome before achieving a goal. It is also used in track and field competitions for runners to leap over. Avoiding the hurdle calls for immediate disqualification. Also, each type of race has different distances between each hurdle and the remaining distance to reach the finish line.

So it is in life. Each person will have shorter or longer distances between life’s hurdles and the finish line. So, excuse yourself from thinking you must maintain the same pace as others. They are thinking the same thing about you. I am learning to welcome some of life’s hurdles, for without them I cannot reach my finish line. Susan L. Taylor, former editorial director for Essence magazine once said, “You were created on purpose for a purpose.” My purpose gives meaning to the dash between my birth and my death. I want most to fulfill my destiny, my absolute purpose for being.

What happens when the hurdle is you? How do you move yourself out of the way towards progress and purpose for your life? We must honestly examine ourselves: the good, the bad and the ugly, and overcome the inward hurdles. We must also allow space to make mistakes, to sometimes falter and not fully conquer some of the hurdles.

The worst mistake that anyone can make is the one where the lesson is lost. Failures are sometimes hard to accept because failure is viewed as a personal weakness. However, failure is not a eulogy over your life. Failures are an opportune time to learn how to make improvements either to you, or to the process. Following the safe path to avert making a mistake is dull and predictable.

So, what gets you over the hurdles in life, when you are faced with a daunting task; a life altering decision; a seemingly insurmountable situation? One thing is true, but often hard to accept: some hurdles are strategically placed to help make us stronger, wiser, better and unbeatable!

"To dismiss failure is to dismiss an opportunity for genius to arise."

America's Education Dilemma

Tuesday is our day for and current events in political news. The more we know, the more we can grow.



I am a Reinventor, a person who is in the process of shifting her life and repackaging herself for a new career. Pamela Mitchell, author of “The 10 Laws of Career Reinvention,” states in her book that careers are a conduit for the type of life you want to lead. Towards the end of last year, I was giving serious consideration to becoming an educator. I take no credit. I was inspired by my 3 year old granddaughter’s love of learning. She softened my heart. I began to like children again, believing that I could inspire more children to value their education. However, those plans have been thwarted by the school closings and pending teacher layoffs not only in Georgia, but also across the nation.

A nation which cannot afford to educate its youth is an impoverished nation, in my opinion. There are people today who believe that education in the United States is the civil rights issue of the 21st century. The arguments among government officials, educators, teachers unions and administrators about the best practices to educate the nation’s youth should do more to move the conversation forward, resulting in action-oriented improvements.

Each side has a stake in winning. Administrators want to ensure compliance with state laws and federal regulations in order to receive proper funding. For the teachers’ union, the battle includes the effort to preserve the holy grail of teaching: tenure. Currently, tenure is a presumed right for teachers. Some critics believe that tenure is a cover for incompetent teachers. Tenure should not be used as a shield to protect incompetent teachers when our children remain ill-equipped to compete in a 21st century economy. Conversely, teachers should not automatically loose their jobs for low student performance.

The Department of Education has developed initiatives targeted at making long-awaited changes to encourage improvements. The most notable program, Race to the Top, is a $4.35 billion funding program designed to advance education reform in four key areas. School districts compete for federal funding by implementing strategies to improve low achieving schools; recruit, retain, develop and reward quality teachers and principals; build data systems to measure the academic growth and success of students; and, adopt standards and assessments that will equip students to succeed in college, the workplace and a global economy. Teacher pay is tied to student performance, and is not making a lot of unions happy. This means that some states would have to change legislation in order to compete for federal funds. Indeed, efficiency within schools translates into student success. The dimensions of efficiency provide balanced competition to ensure that school districts are successful.

Reports show that U.S. students rank 32nd in math scores, 10th in science, and 12th in reading among their international counterparts. Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich and the Reverend Al Sharpton – two public figures with polar opposite political views – have joined forces to combat the problems that plague the nations’ educational system. Both men want to see real reform in the nation’s schools that will lead to an improvement in student achievement. This sets a positive example of what is required in order to experience real reform in education. Differences should not outweigh the common goal of success for students. If the United States wants to compete and lead the world in the 21st century economy, teachers’ unions and administrators must follow Mr. Gingrich and Rev. Sharpton’s lead, and demonstrate a willingness to work together.

So, what are we to do? Why are schools closing, and are real solutions being overlooked in the interest of saving money? What do budget shortfalls in school districts say about our priorities? Every child deserves a quality education, and we should not loose sight of what truly matters.

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires." William Arthur Ward

The Morning After

On Mondays, we will share uplifting and inspirational topics to help set the tone for the rest of our week.



I used to say that the worst thing about Friday is Monday was two days away…I know, what a depressing thing to say! So, I thought for my inaugural blog, I would reverse this way of thinking and give us a reason to celebrate Mondays!

When I think of celebrations, I think of things like cake, confetti, music and happy people. The Great Recession has left many people feeling like anything but celebratory. Why? Because sometimes life leads us down a depressing path, and we are unable to celebrate Friday (present) because we dread Monday (the future).

But, what if we challenge ourselves to embrace the future, despite what we presently see? This requires facing our fears, and we all know that the false evidence appearing real is nothing more than a jealous person who does not want the best for you, resents your courage and wants your life to make them comfortable. Fear paralyzes, so take action today if you want to defeat your fears.

There is a line in a gospel song by John P. Kee which says, “All of my problems I will outlast!” Now, isn’t that the truth?! Tell me, where are you today, and where is that problem you thought would never end? Can you think of at least one reason to celebrate today? I know I can think of several: I am above ground; I have a promising future; I am blessed with everything I need; I am a healthy, vibrant woman; I can make choices that propels me towards fulfilling my purpose in life.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be?" Marianne Williamson

Share your thoughts and have a Magnificient Monday!