A Life of No Regrets

My daughter lied to me recently and it happened around my birthday, of all times. Several days prior and even after my birthday, she continuously asked what I wanted to do.

I really had no expectation to do more than appreciate another year of life. I shared this with my daughter and yet, she still decided to tell a lie.

Eventually, we made plans to have a movie night on the Saturday following my birthday. Well, the lie was that she never intended to share a movie night with her mother. Instead, she gave me a surprise birthday party!

Hearing my friends yell, “SURPRISE!” unexpectedly and reminding my heart that it was one year older spawned the Reflections series this month. The occasion was another opportunity for me to appreciate my blessed life. I love my daughter for creating wonderful memories of celebrationfor me.

Birthdays are a wonderful time for celebrating life; a reminder of how far I have come and how far I still have to go. Another year of life reminds me of a promise I made to myself nearly 10 years ago: I would not live a life of regrets.

I can grow old kicking and screaming. Or, I can embrace each year of life the Lord grants to serve and fulfill my purpose. I believe serving others is an opportunity to give back the grace that I take advantage of daily.

I do not fear death. I fear dying before fulfilling my destiny and God-ordained purpose. The good thing is that I have a choice. Will I act and seize opportunities, or will I respond to the fear and doubt that is against my success?

Will I avoid obstacles, or will I use those obstacles as stepping stones toward my destiny?

Will I walk the predictable, methodical path, or will I occasionally surprise myself by doing something different?

Sometimes, inaction also leads to regrets. Inaction leads to the “what ifs” in life. I can choose to do nothing and wonder about what never occurred. Whether big or small, I will continue to embrace opportunities, risks and moments that are designed by God.

I have faith that God will not allow me to die before my purpose is fulfilled. A life lesson is to never become complacent in a place where God does not want me to be. I have the courage to persist – even when circumstances seem to reflect the opposite of God’s promises.

I could play a game of chess in my head. Strategizing the safe moves and risk becoming paralyzed, never making a decision. Or, I can make a decision, accept full responsibility for the consequences and move on.

I choose the latter. For me, the biggest regret is never making a decision, never taking chances. Never living a life expecting great things. Never engaging in meaningful service. Never using my God-given abilities.

Sure, there are some things in my past that I regret. However, those are things I cannot change. It happened; it is over. I let it go. I live to see another day.

Maybe next year, my daughter will surprise me with a trip to Paris!

“The saddest summary of a life contains three descriptions: could have, might have, and should have.” ~Louis E. Boone

A Good Mistake

Today, I reflect on questions. Many of us were told that the wrong question is the one that you do not ask. So today, I wonder…

Why are we so afraid of making a mistake?

What is the worst mistake you ever made?

Is there an instance when a bad mistake is actually good?

Well, if what Franklin D. Roosevelt said is true – that the only thing to fear is fear itself – why are we so fearful of making a mistake? I submit that some of us view mistakes as a sign of weakness. Intellectually, we might understand that mistakes are lessons to learn; however, we want to avoid those mistakes at all costs.

Some psychologists believe that it starts during childhood, when our parents attempt to protect us from life’s obstacles. Some parents push success and praise their children for what they do right. This is important, but at the same time parents can help their children by encouraging effort.

Surely, there is a line between protecting and conveying the message that mistakes make us weak. Mistakes can become teachable moments for invaluable life lessons.

The worst mistake that I can make is the one where the lesson is lost. Failures are sometimes hard to accept because failure is viewed as a personal weakness. However, failure is not a eulogy over my life.

Failures should be viewed as an opportune time to learn how to make improvements either to myself, or to the process. Following the safe path to avert making a mistake is dull and predictable.

I have not always made the right choices. To some people, I probably have not made any good choices. But, that is based on their opinion and not on them living my life. Some people know how to decide what you should do – but, they can never do it for you.

I cannot allow others to dictate the choices I should make and be untrue to myself. I am the one who lives with that choice. People will sit back, watch and look for another area in my life to dictate. If I grant them that space.

There is a lesson to learn, regardless to how foolish my behavior or how damaging the results. I can draw from the experience something that moves me forward. Moving backwards or staying stuck in a rut are not options.

The good mistake, I believe, is the one in which I embrace the lesson and choose to grow. In order to do this, I must take ownership for my mistake, not look for reasons to blame others.

Accepting responsibility – and realizing the world did not end – allows me to examine the situation and put things into perspective. Otherwise, I will keep making the same mistake, wondering why nothing changes.

“A person can't brood over one mistake, or waste time feeling sorry for himself, or take on any sort of persecution complex. Today I realize that once you have made a mistake, you must accept it, profit by it, and then totally dismiss it from your mind.” Bart Starr, former quarterback Green Bay Packers

Can We Talk?

I am not trying to beat the dead horse on Donald Trump’s head, particularly since the media has moved on. After Trump’s demand to see President Obama’s birth certificate, top headlines switched to the Lakers being swept away from the playoffs; where in the world is Sarah Palin’s bus?; and, Anthony Weiner’s wiener.

However, I do have a few thoughts about the brouhaha Trump fueled. Like other times, we displayed attention deficit with the next headline and missed another opportunity to discuss race relations in America.

Some people who believe the birther tale say the issue is not where the president was born – it is about his policies. Okay. Raise issues about his policies, not about his birthplace with undertones of how he is “different.”

The diversity of America is part of the greatness and exceptionalism in America. We are a nation of immigrants, descendants of people who came here willingly and unwillingly. Yet, we risk the fullness of what this means – for this country as a leader to other nations – by refusing to deal openly and honestly with the cancer that threatens this nation.

When faced with a news story that threatened to implode his presidential campaign, then Senator Obama gave a speech on race. He attempted to reconcile the divide and at the same time steer our minds towards what should connect us as a nation. In part, this is what he said:

“We cannot solve the challenges of our time unless we solve them together, unless we perfect our union by understanding that we may have different stories, but we hold common hopes; that we may not look the same and we may not have come from the same place, but we all want to move in the same direction — toward a better future for our children and our grandchildren.”

I often say that on September 11, 2001, we were not White, Black, Asian, Latino or Other. We were Americans. The terrorists did not wait until Black or White Americans left the towers; they did not even secure Muslims who also died on that day. Rather, they were unified with one mind and one goal – to kill Americans.

I do not pretend to have the answer. I am one of over 300 million people in this country. However, I do believe that we can have one voice that is rich in diversity and acceptance.

Recently, my daughter, grand diva and I went to Zoo Atlanta. My grand diva connected with another girl who was also at the zoo with her family. Immediately, the two held hands and talked about different things, including what they had in common. Ironically, they share the same name and age.

At one point, the little girl asked my grand diva to take off her sunglasses. When she removed her sunglasses, the little girl said, “You have brown eyes just like me! You are my BFF!” This was two little girls enthralled with what they had in common, not the difference in their skin color.

If we reach for what is human, perhaps we can disregard our prejudices, our differences. If we disregard our prejudices, our differences, perhaps we can find what connects us as human beings and makes us whole.

“Race relations can be an appropriate issue . . . but only if you want to craft solutions, and not catalogue complaints. If we use the issue appropriately, we can transform it from the cancer of our society into the cure.” David Dinkins, former Mayor of New York

Honoring Sacred Places

I had a dream recently that resonated with me long after I woke up. The scenes were out of kilter, but the interactions with others stood out for me with a common theme: the importance of our relationships. I awoke with a sense of urgency to pen this blog. Whether marital, familial or friendships, we need to use present moments to honor the connection we have with the ones we love.

In his book, “The Real Lives of Strong Black Women: Transcending Myths, Reclaiming Joy,”  Toby Thompkins writes that all relationships are sacred places. I agree that we should be grateful for the people who give to us love unconditionally.

We should display our love and affection – things that money cannot buy. How can we do this?

Practice respect, honesty, openness, compassion and acts of love. We can listen with a loving ear. Listening is a sacrifice to give up something and devote your attention to the other person.

We can develop compassion over blame. Blame desecrates that sacred space. Compassion expands that place with treasured memories.

I want to make sure that the important people know how I esteem them in my life – through actions, not simply words. I was born in the “Show Me” state and for me actions speak louder than words. I listened to what people said, but watched closely the actions that followed.

Now, I admit that sometimes my perception was flawed. I analyzed a person’s actions through my personal filter. If actions did not align with my expectation, I concluded that the person did not mean what they said.

God showed me how unfair I was through my relationship with my daughter. During her teenage years, He taught me three love lessons: (1) Accept the people you love for who they are; (2) A person may have their own way of expressing love; and, (3) No matter the problem, always find your way back to love.

We can still honor those sacred places, even when the other person seemingly does not reciprocate. How? By bestowing forgiveness upon them and expecting the best.

If you are unable to restore a broken relationship, distance is perhaps the best thing between you. Just make sure that distance is not paved with bitterness, anger and a vice grip on the pain you believe the other person caused. We sacrifice joy and inner peace with the weight of something that occurred a long time ago – or yesterday.

Bottom line, we all need healthy, human connections. No man is an island. For years, I tried to be one and thought that I was pretty good at it. But, I found out that even an island needs the water surrounding it to be an island.

“It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than to lose the one you love because of pride. We spend too much time looking for the right person to love or finding fault with those we already love, when instead we should be perfecting the love we give.” Anonymous